Last night Boonjamin (I’ve taken to calling him that, not sure why), celebrated our two year anniversary together. I know, I know, I’ve made it so far and you’re all really proud. I’m proud as well but let’s stay on track asshole.
We decided that one pitcher of beer wasn’t enough (never is), so we headed to another bar for 75 more beers. Of course it starts pouring because this is fucking Tampa, and two homeless gentleman stroll into the bars outside patio to beat the storm. And as usual, like all crazy cracked out people do, they make a bee line for me because I have a giant neon sign on my head that says “I fucking love talking to weirdos get your ass over here now”. So he starts asking me questions that I can’t understand, of course he wants some money and one of my delicious cloves, I deliver. I gave him 10 bucks and half a pack of cloves and told him he had to share with his friend or I’ll tackle him, he obliges. Boonjamin scolds me for being nice to creepy people. I remind him we are all Gods children. More drinking.
45 minutes later this nut sack comes over, drunk as fuck (my bad), and tripping over his shoes that were way too small, his feet were like half hanging out of them, I should have given him money for shoes, anyway, so he starts all putting his arm around us (I’ve checked us for lice, we’re ok), and spitting (talking? I think?) on us, then he lets out this MAJOR belch. Like I haven’t ever heard anything like this IN. MY. LIFE. My best friend Ashley? She burps like a sonic fucking boom. This shit was louder, and very much directed toward my face. So Ben and I flinch back a bit, then the mother fucker starts gagging at us. WHAT. He was going to VOMIT the 10 dollars worth of beer that I gave him, ON MY NEW HOODIE.
But, he didn’t. Pretty anticlimatic, eh? He stumbled off and yelled some more shit at me before he left and his homeless partner in crime just rolled his eyes. Don’t worry Charlie Christ, if you won’t take care of the homeless, I WILL.
My Tumblarity is at a 9 right now. This is also very reflective of my maturity level.
Anyway just stopping in to confirm I’m alive, yet again. Sorry I hate you all so much latley but I’m very important (lazy). I just moved little brother into college, spent 9 hours in the car with my sister (The Princess), my Mother (Cried the whole time), Step Father (hates all of us), Fiance (hates all of us), and the dog (Who likes to hump my arm, lefty to be specific). But I’m ok, very frazzled and this is nothing a bottle of tequila can’t fix.
So what’s been going on with you people this week? Anything exciting?
In case you were concerned, I am in fact very much alive
I have’t been blogging much because work has been super busy and my computers at home are both on the fritz (I am blaming this on Ben, clearly), so there hasn’t been much time to tell you all about my love for RPatz or Nick Carter, or to gush over cute animals and lolcats. Also, I do most of my “creative” blogging when drinking, and I’ve been cuttin back on the ole juice to give some relief to my ever expanding waist line. I managed (this was not pretty, let me tell you) to squeeze myself into my favorite jeans last night, and after suffocating myself and having to use my future husbands assistance to get said jeans off, I was still really proud, you guys, it’s all about the baby steps.
To be honest, nothing else is really going on. We’re going to Disney this weekend which will be the first time since the year my brother was born (who I will be moving in to college in exactly 1 week if that gives you any insite to how long it’s been). I’m really excited and we got a super nice hotel (thanks, hotwire!), and I’m beyond thrilled to meet the love of my life, Whinnie The Pooh, in person.I plan on drinking (can you do that in the Magic Kingdom? it can’t be Magic with out booze), and beating up tourists and having a ton of funand hopefully getting some sun on my lilly white ass. Updates and pictures of me with celebu-characters to follow, I’m sure.
I’ve given myself a makeover via the powers of Tlicious (hair), and the girls at Bare-escentuals. I look fabulous. But enough about how pretty I am (we can talk about this any time though, if you would like).
Ashley and I have decided to become rappers. I don’t know if you guys know this, but we are pretty fly. We’re going to make boxed wine the new Goose and call our selves Franzia and Sutta Homez. You’re jealous, admit it. Basically this all stems from me wanting to smoke the pot again to level myself, and we like good beatz n rhymez, yo.
And that is it, I think. I have some free time today so maybe I will post awesome pictures of cats or something later. Hope you fuckers are doing great, feel free to shoot me an email about your life ventures, if you so choose. I love hearing from people half as insane as me.
Oh and Pam, I didn’t forget about my tee shirt, I haven’t made it to the post office yet!
1 - Blushing: Charles Darwin struggled to explain why evolution made us turn red when we lie, which alerts others. However, some think it may help diffuse confrontation or foster intimacy by revealing weakness.
2 - Laughter: mood-improving endorphins are released when we laugh, which seems an obvious reason to do it but a 10-year study muddied the waters when it found more laughter is produced by banal comments than jokes.
3 - Kissing: the explanation for kissing is unlikely to be genetic as not all human societies do it. There are theories that it is associated with memories of breastfeeding and that ancient humans weaned their children by feeding them from their mouths, which reinforced the link between sharing saliva and pleasure.
4 - Dreaming: Sigmund Freud’s theory of dreams expressing our subconscious desires have been generally discredited and it is recognised that they help us process emotions, but the reason why we see such strange visions has not been properly explained.
5 - Superstition: unusual but reassuring habits make no evolutionary sense; however, ancient humans would have benefited from not dismissing a lion’s rustle in the grass as a gust of wind. Religion seems to tap into this impulse.
6 - Picking your nose: the unappealing but common habit of ingesting ‘nasal detritus’ offers almost no nutritional benefit, so why do a quarter of teenagers do it, on average four times a day? Some think it boosts the immune system.
7 - Adolescence: no other animal undergoes the stroppy, unpredictable teenage years. Some suggest it helps our large brain reorganise itself before adulthood or that it allows experimentation in behaviour before the responsibility of later years.
8 - Altruism: giving things away with no certain return is odd behaviour in evolutionary terms. It may help with group bonding or simply give pleasure.
9 - Art: painting, dance, sculpture and music could all be the human equivalent of a peacock’s tail in showing what a good potential mate someone is. However, it could also be a tool for spreading knowledge or sharing experience.
10 - Body hair: fine hair on the body and thick hair on the genitals is the opposite of what occurs in primates, our close animal relatives. Suggested reasons for pubic hair include a role in radiating scent, providing warmth or even protecting from chafing.
Sam the koala, who gained worldwide fame and sympathy when she was rescued during Australia’s devastating wildfires this year, was euthanized Thursday after a veterinarian found the cysts that threatened her life were inoperable.
This just ruined my day and made me cry. I’m getting my lady friend soon don’t you judge me.
HEY! These are my feelings and opinions! Let me state them as FUCKING FACTS! Like I am writing the laws of the universe via my tumblr! Let me tell you the right ways to do things/eat/feel/watch/listen to because CLEARLY I am an expert on all things anything because I sit here TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS A DAY and state these truths that I hold to be self evident and if you don’t I will fucking masacre you with my little internet buddies and we’ll gang up on you and punch your internet connection in the face. GET IT. OK GOOD REMEMBER EVERYTHING I LIKE YOU HAVE TO AS WELL THIS IS FIRST GRADE AGAIN AND USING CAPS MAKES IT MORE REAL.
I’m so sorry, but some of you are bugging the ABSOLUTE HELL out of me today, if you didn’t gather.
I'm kind of like that Merideth Brooks song...you know the one
Basically what I am trying to say is, I’m a bitch. Not like a super bitch, or a raggedy c*nt or anything, I’m just your plain old bonefide bitch. Nothing wrong with that, right? No, I didn’t think so. Actually to be quite honest with you I don’t think I’m bitchy per se, I think that I don’t really care what I say or who I say it to (so long as it is the truth), and that seems to get me in trouble. So as of late, I’ve mad a pact to stop being the miserable bitch that everyone has gotten to know and love (read: be afraid of), and start being “nice” and “friendly” and whatever the fuck else people like about other people.
Anyway, so, I’m all being positive Suzythesunshinesoutofmyass, and woudn’t you know, people are taking advantage of me! What?!?!? I know, right? And not only that, but people are being like, mean to me. And yes, there is a HUGE difference between being mean and being a bitch. Trust factor, engage it.
So I’m kind of torn about going back to my bitchy ways because I actually FEEL happier not being such a bitch, but like, people are stepping all over me and shit. Whatever, what would you assholes do?