I'll be sitting here drinking Bacardi and applying for different reality shows if anyone needs me....
It’s about time, I’m gunning for a makeover but I’ll settle for some Montel-esque "My Husband Writes Harry Potter Fan Fiction In A Snuggie And I Can’t Stand It". Because you can’t always get what you want, you guys.
I was just in my car jamming out to Taylor Swift’s You Belong To Me,because, you know, my musical interests and my being bi-polar go hand in hand like newlyweds on a beach in St. Lucia. Anyway, so I was like, you know, if I was 16 again this would be my fucking PROFILE on AOL. Like all my name, interests, quotes whatever would hold zero viable information, it would just be those lyrics, because I, like young TSwift had a boy best friend who I was madly in love with who called me “Red” and would rather punch me in the stomach than kiss me.
Anyway so I would vent in a similar manner, instead of writing love songs I would write these crazy ass poems in my lock-a-way diary, I lost the key though and had to fashion it shut with a scrunchy. Served the same purpose, I suppose that’s what I get for purchasing said Diary at Woolworths. Those wonderful, insightful journals are in storage now. I saved them because someday when I am famous for being so fucking awesome, they might come in handy. If I had them though, my awesome poems would have sounded something like this:
Why won’t you kiss my face?
You keep coming over my place…
Is it because I don’t look like Joey Potter?
Would you like me if I was hotter?
You borrowed my 3rd Eye Blind CD
GIVE IT BACK TO ME
You said I could touch your pee pee
But honestly, behind that tree tree?
I am a lady treat me as such
and hurry the fuck up and give me back my stuff.
Honestly you guys, it’s a fucking MIRACLE I haven’t been published yet. And seriously I’m still mad about that cd…..
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ——————————————————————————————————— P = The problem logged by the pilot S = The solution and action taken by the engineers ——————————————————————————————————— P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
You’re either working (and over working because I’m freezing), or not working and I’m sweating. Neither one of these pleases me. Commit to something, work, don’t whatever, I just need to know so I can plan my outfits around your bitch fits. Seeing as NOW you decide to work like you’ve never worked before and I am scantily clad.
You just wanted me to show a little skin, didn’t you you old dog.
Going to concerts on Sunday nights, while it might seem like a good idea....
is not. Hi, My name’s Kelly and apparently I still think I’m 18. There’s nothing more exciting than sitting at my desk, eyes rolling around in my skull trying to stay open, the bags under my eyes large enough for all of my shoes and the coffee….oh lordy the coffee ain’t workin today gals. And I actually have to WORK today, and clean the office, and other activities. I’m too tired to eat. OIASOIFUABRAKJasOUEWR (actual sound of thoughts).
Concert was pretty bitchin, though.
Oh and Ford Amphitheatre? 45 fucking dollars for 4 beers? You can take it out back and get whey-hoo’d.
Sorry I haven’t properly welcomed you back to Tampa yet. Seriously, I sat around all Summer waiting for you to come back so you could crowd all the good bars (all one of them) and create large lines at the Hot Dog place. Anyway, um, so what’s going on with your fashion these days? Ladies, I get that you go to USF and you’re fucking PUMPED but seriously? The hoodies?? It’s fucking 90 someodd degrees out. Does your bookstore not make tee shirts? I could probably find some online for you. Get a grip, you’re sweating. That is not cute. And dudes? What in the eff is with the black socks with black slider sandals? Come on now. Either bust a move sock-less in your sandals like the rest of us or get your toes into a real shoe-like situation. Get your sneakers out. This can’t be difficult. I know you’re in college but no one likes a half-asser. Let’s commit to our choice of footwear, ok?
Anyway yea that’s it. I’ll be here avoiding the bars because I’ve also noticed when you ladies put away your sweatshirts for a night out with your vodka sodas you’re trading them in for shirts that you’re pulling off as dresses and traveling in very loud droves. We’ll talk about that one later, though.
Why are 13-16 year olds all of the sudden looking like they’re 29? What kind of fucking growth hormones are in Milk now? I wouldn’t know, I’m lactose intollerant, but anyway, like YIKES. Full on makeup and high AND low lites. WTF. Honestly, I still look like I’m 16. If you could see me right now, I have a side braid, headband, no make up and a graffic tee with Chuck Taylors….seriously the only reason why people don’t think I’m in high school still is because my boobs are so big I either have years of Natty Light under my belt that causes the swelling or I’m of legal age to get fakies. Nothing about this post makes sense I’m going to take a nap and try to figure out if I should be shopping at Anne Taylor LOFT or something.
I’m not really sure WHY I’m watching Tyra Banks right now, but she’s riffling through Stephanie Pratts purse and throwing the contents out into the crowd. I just kind of feel like, Stephanie Pratt kind of sucks and no one wants her fucking lip gloss.
- I was in the shower the other morning when I realized, if you change the context of The Little Mermaid song “Part of Your World” to be about a wheelchair bound person instead of a mermaid, it’s sort of a giant Fuck You from Disney to the handicapable:
I wanna be where the people are I wanna see, wanna see them dancin’ Walking around on those - what do you call ‘em? Feet!
[Spinnin’ your wheels,] you don’t get too far Legs are required for jumping, dancing Strolling along down a - what’s that word again? Street
Up where they walk, up where they run Up where they stay all day in the sun Wanderin’ free - wish I could be Part of that world
When I re-visited this idea later that afternoon, I realized the thoughts I have first thing in the morning are shockingly similar to the thoughts I have when I’m high as a kite.
Are any of you medically trained? I have these bug bites that keep going down to little red blood marks then re raising. For like over a week. What has infected me? Am I now spiderman? Am I going to die? Should I make my final goodbyes? Why do you continue to hurt me so, Tampa?
In high school, pop songs like this gave me the delusion that it was perfectly acceptable to walk up to a girl and tell her “Yo, I jus’ wanna kick it wit’chu.” Also, I’d like to thank these boys for notifying me when the second verse was starting.
Thank you for putting some fuel in the fire that is my love for boybands.