I think about college. A lot. More than I probably should. I think about how I stepped on to the campus and no one knew me as the popular, smart, sassy friend they had in high school. No one knew I was so outwardly shunned in grade/middle school by the people in my hometown I had to seek refuge in a small, 200 person populated high school because I, along with my parents, were sick of me not finding where I fit in. Not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
And when I got to college I decided I was just going to be myself. I wasn’t going to be captain popularity, which is a feat easily assumed if you have like 60 people in your class. I joined a sorority, I made friends, I was friendly. Instead of being shy, I was outgoing. Instead of being scared of my inner nerd, I let her be herself.
And before I knew it, I was queen bee, again. And I hated it. I hated every single phone call I got all seven nights a week asking “what was up for tonight”. I hated making other people happy and planning parties and drinking and socializing.
I had dreams of sitting by an oak tree reading (for recreation!) while some co ed strummed his guitar lightly four trees over. I wanted to write and paint and meet people and not be, well, who I was.
But I fell into the trap.
It took me graduating to find all of the things I was looking for. I found a handful of a friends that were so mismatched and hodgepodged that we often looked at each other and laughed, like, why are we all together. But we were because we found something in ourselves that we had been looking for forever.
And I don’t know. I sometimes miss it. I miss being the life of the party and the one to initiate the drinking games and the only one on campus who knew about such and such party that you needed a password to get into. Because on a Tuesday night, now, it’s even hard to get my mother on the phone.
Why does social life expire when you leave campus? When you grow up? When you get married?
Why do I feel like drinking a few beers on a Tuesday night used to mean I was awesome, but now it looks like there’s something wrong with my life?
I don’t know, it’s like, I can’t even put any of this into perspective. I have to come to terms with who I was and who I am now. And I can’t find a happy medium.
What would the opening line of your autobiography be?
Mine would be something like, “As I stared into the pile of empty beer cans I couldn’t help but wonder, if maybe, just maybe, people felt as sad as I did about the lack of bottle deposits in Florida. There has to be at least 30 bucks of tin sitting in front of me”.
Every single picture from Harry Potter-ville or whatever…ok let’s stop here for a second. What the HELL do they call it? Harry Potter World? Potter-town? Whatever, anyway, in every single picture I either have one or more of the following:
a lazy eye
a flotation device under my shirt. how did it get there? food. that’s how.
the hots for my sister in law
greasy sweat on my face. hair.
the look that if not fed soon I may scoop up a small tourist child and snack on it
giant, angry face.
I don’t know about you guys but I’ve certainly had enough of myself.
I’ve been thinking about an old friend lately so last night I typed her up a quick email saying how sorry I was for somethings that had happened between us (which ended up really just being a complete misunderstanding that I was to busy to sort out). I know it’s only one but she hasn’t responded so I don’t think she’s going to.
Which is fine I suppose. I know sometimes people grow out of one another and my friendships with people from home are mostly all now fizzed out. I still have a handful of people I talk to on a regular basis, but I’ve learned that being out of sight is truly out of mind. Still stings a little that people forgot about me, but what can you do.
Anyway, hers was a friendship I thought would last for a really long time. She was one of the only people who had actually flown down here to visit with me, unlike everyone else who waits until I get home to see me.
I don’t know, like I said, sometimes people grow out of one another.
Everyone seems to feel a little lonely in January. I always supposed it had something to do with the holidays being over and it still being cold and ornery outside. But for us, it was another excuse to use the bar as a setting for beers and central heat.
Places have flooded. People have lost shit. People have died. But my hometown? Can we stop bitching about losing CABLE? CABLE. CAAAAAAAAAAAABLE. You’re all so fucking lucky you weren’t born into another circumstance in which you have no clue what electricity is in the first place. So, just get out some cards or read a book by candle light or just stop. Because no. Just no.
I still follow my old boss on Twitter (I love to stalk! Don’t worry! I stalk you too!) and every now and again I’m tempted to reply to one of his tweets like “Oh, first class to Miami? Nice. Well, I’m just here working on my third packet of ramen noodles today. Yea. Just sittin here in my holey sweatpants and learning survivor techniques from Lost. Do you know how to skin a fish? -sent from my icardboardbox”.
“So often an easy-going disposition goes with a few extra pounds. You plump ladies tend to have an added measure of graciousness. Remember this when you consider dieting. If being on a diet makes you jumpy and irritable, it probably isn’t worth your effort. Everyone prefers your few extra pounds to a shrewish disposition.”—
Better Than Beauty - A Guide To Charm, 1938
Another great one dollar book from the street cart.
That whole hey where were you 5 years ago thing everyone keeps posting had me all checkin the date and thinking about it and I somehow managed to get all the way through today with out remembering how much I have a love/hate relationship with this day.
Our former anniversary. The day in which we started dating. Well, officially dating. We had pretty much been boning for like six months prior to that. But this was the day many moons ago when he said the word “girlfriend” and I had to meet his entire family (huge family) in one day.
Attempt 9 at my father going to rehab. Which actually coincides with the same day as above. Fun phone call that was.
One year ago today I was sitting in a dirt chinese restaurant/kareoke place with my best friend Coleen in the great state of Massachusetts. I was home for Guita’s wedding and it was one of the longest/greatest nights of my life and I crawled into my dads stinking drunk and got yelled at like I was 18 again.
August 25th 2004 was the day I broke up with my college “sweetheart” because he was doing the deed with one of my best friends. So I guess I broke up with two people that day. Got drunk at a house party and made out with some kid who would later turn into my best friend. Also This would be my first night in my new apartment in New Bedford.
MEMORIES. LIKE THE CORNERS OF MY MIND. MISTY WATER COLORED MEMORIES. OF THE WAY WE WERE.
MTV is saving all the good shit for Sunday before the VMAs huh? Like I’m gunna have to watch Ronnie beat the shit out of Mike on Sunday when I should be catching up on my DVR huh? WHATEVER MTV YOU KNOW I’LL DO THAT SHIT ANYWAY BUT DAYUM.